the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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