i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
