The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
