u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
