I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
