Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
