ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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