$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
