1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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