I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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