Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
