she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
