he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
