just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
