I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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