dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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