she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
