if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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