Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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