I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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