If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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