The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
