someone threw a dead crab at me
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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