he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
