My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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