As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
