Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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