its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
