so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
