I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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