i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
