we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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