alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
