my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
In America we eat man semen.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
PANTIES FOUND
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