hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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