I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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