Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
