well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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