why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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