I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
