Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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