I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
