I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
