i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
