i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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