I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
