R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
