oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
