New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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