my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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