I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
