Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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